Thoughts and contemplations

It’s not easy to understand the depth of God’s love for us. Because of our pride and fear, we fail to grasp how undeserving we are and how great His love is. At times I struggle with pride, so I tend to believe that I’ve earned any love I receive. Pride tells me that I am loved only when I am lovable, respectable and worthy. At other times I feel the tug of fear. While I am basking in acceptance, I live with the fear of being unmasked, revealing that I am much less than what others think me to be.
Faith is often mixed with doubt when life’s circumstances hurt so much. Why does God allow suffering if He loves us ?? Why does He let the evil reign ?? Why is there mourning and pain?? However, I was taught to look at things from different perspectives as I grow stronger in spiritual faith. Suffering and adversities become the means by which we are made hungry and thirsty for God.
God loves us too much to let us stay as we are. I used to think that He loves me when I do well ; but if I foul up, then I expect only His scorn. But I was wrong. God does not love us because we deserve it. He loves us despite what we are and what we did as He’s willing to sacrifice or our sins even if we are the most despicable human beings ever lived. This simple fact shatters our pride and dispels our fear. Never again shall I fear sufferings and tribulations, for through these, spiritual fibres of my life will be strengthened.
It is duty o all believers to sever connections with anything that hinders our spiritual progress and effectiveness. We must forsake all sin, all self-will and worldly pleasures that draw our hearts away from God, as the more clearly we see God’s sovereignty, the less perplexed we are by man’s calamities.

MEMORIES

Wednesday (10/5/2006 , 7.30 am – 5.00pm ), this might be the last choir practice for the 5th formers and upper sixes. We rehearsed for the state level competition, which is due to tomorrow. Such a long day it was. However, it turned out to be one of the most memorable sessions. We sang all the songs we’ve learnt, we reminisced the ups and downs of the choir, we strolled down memory lane………

“ Kar Leong used to be a cry baby…..”

“ Ivan likes to gibber……eew ! ”

“ Kok Yew was such a busybody…. ”

And there are also compliments…….

“ The gals are fantastic !! ” (6 gals to 30 boys, sounds impossible right ?)

“ The form 3s have improved tonnes !”

Seems like all of us have grown a lot in a jiffy. Stronger ties have been fostered between us unnoticeably. Being through all sorts of challenges and cherished moments together, we’ve grown to love one another, we’ve grown to respect one another, and most importantly, we’ve grown to love music, which is the main force that unites us, in a way or another. Passion towards music has brought us into this family, and I believe being a part of it has indeed changed us in some ways, not to mention the improvement of vocal qualities. I still remembered vividly that when I first joined the club, the others were totally strangers to me and I could never have guessed that these mere member-member relationships will evolve into powerful, closely-knitted bonds where we treat each other as brothers and sisters of our own flesh and blood. These relationships are quite rare, especially among conventional Malaysian Chinese and these friends are not easily encountered in our daily lives. Reminiscence may be sweet but it could also be maudlin sometimes. Everytime, the thought of graduating form 6 gives me both excitement and sadness. Leaving this school means the beginning of a new chapter in my life, but it also means bidding farewell to my endeared friends. However, form six is after all not too bad an option for pre-u studies. People who have walked in and out of my life within this two years, especially my best friends and fellow choir members, will be etched in my heart forever as the remnants of my f6 life in sam tet. Needless to say, the fond memories will never fade even if we have to go separate ways to pursue our ambitions. I love ya, pals !

Frenzy friday

Friday nights are forever occupied for me – church youth gathering. Last Friday, I went to church as usual and the first person I saw told me this, “ You look prettier without specs (usually I wear contact lenses), but u look mature and pro when u wear specs. I prefer you not wearing specs but I also like to see you wearing specs…… ” I was dumbstruck when he blurted out everything to me without a halt for breath cos I’m not used to responding to nonsense. I managed to slip away while he shifted his attention to another guy, pity him! I was setting up the LCD projector while Mr Leong Diyao came in wearing a shirt advertising McD (it was actually his class-t, the McD logo resembles the popularity of his class) That freakingly funny guy came to me and said, “Wei, got people kau (pikat) u anot ?” “None of your business lah, gepoh !” I replied indifferently. Then he said, “no ppl kau u dat means u are dating dy lah, sau mai sau mai (keeping it a secret), dun fren u ler…” I said, “ Sleep also not enough time ah, where got time to date woh ?” We kept on crapping for the next 20 minutes and at last , I gave up because I’m not ‘poisonous’ enough to debate with him. After that, here comes the climax. A weird guy who started attending church services a few weeks ago, whom we are not very fond of (especially the gals), because of his eerie and weird way of looking or shall I say staring at people, came and asked me awfully stupid questions like, “ hey why are you wearing green today ?”, “ why the 2 of u keep long hair ?” (I was sitting with my friend), “Can you guess wats my name ?”…….. The only thing that made me so pissed off was his male chauvinism. He was talking like as if women are not of worth and are only good for cooking. My friend and I walked away giggling after shooting him with repartee . Never have I been showered with such a load of nonsense in a day. However , such nonsense was not too bad for the relaxation and rejuvenation of the mind after a hectic day after all.

Clumsy schlemiel

On the 1st of May (my parents’ wedding anniversary), I was home alone , while my parents where out for celebration, movies, dinners and stuff (in case you don’t know, my parents are hyperactive folks who hang out more than any average teenager does and they are super hilarious). So, I came up with an interesting idea. I decided to cook for myself. Don’t get it wrong, by the word cooking, neither did I meant cooking instant noodles nor 3 in 1 cream soups, what I meant was serious cooking, a proper dinner. My mum was like, “ Do whatever you like as long as you don’t burn the whole kitchen, and in case u did, please call the fire brigade…” After figuring out the main course (Japanese beancurd with gravy, mixed vegetables and scrambled eggs),I started preparing the ingredients. Finally, I’m all set for cooking. After tossing the ingredients into the heated frying pan onli did I realize that I’ve forgotten to add oil, Thank God it’s a non-stick pan, if not I’ll get screwed up .After struggling for about 2 hours, I managed to finish my 3-course dinner. The dishes looked extremely unappetizing.The eggs were like squashed bananas, the mixed vege were like hay and the beancurd was sorta hard to describe… Anyway, when hunger pangs ,nothing tastes bad. I would have cooked better, I believe, if it hadn’t been for my clumsiness, lack of skills and experience and inept flavouring. However, these will not be hindrances or me to enter the kitchen again. The hindsight o this experience – KH cooking lessons in the lower secondary are not at all effective !Luckily the kitchen is still in good state, not much damage was caused except for a few broken cutlery.

Flight of the ladybird

My ‘ladybird’ (a tiny ladybird shaped clock) has finally returned to me ! Great pandemonium was created due to the ‘flight’ of my precious ladybird. I conducted a thorough search for it after I lost it a few weeks ago, combing through almost everything in my house, including the toilets (only now did I realize how stupid I was). It has been with me for decades and I’ve been relying on it to keep track of time (my skin is allergy to metal, so watches are never my accessories). No one ever realizes how much it means to me, except for Pui Chin and Swingy, haha ! For now, I would like to convey my deepest gratitude to my new Indonesian maid, Yati ! I don’t know how or where she found it, but most importantly, she returned it to me and it is as good as new ! Thanks pal !

Sigh....

I’m dead !! I’m so dead !!! Only 5 days left towards state competition and I’m having sorethroat, gosh ! Just recovered from pandemic flu (quite a serious one, used up 5 packets of tissues in school) and now I’m almost voiceless…..sigh…Hope I’ll recover in time to perform at my best during the competition. Cross ya fingers ,pray hard for me and wish me luck !

Effects of lunchtime strangers

It's edging towards the mid-year exam, but i still don't feel the tense yet, maybe there are too many things for me to worry about now and exam is the considered the least of them all. As usual, everything will be cramped together. Choir competition, practices, exams, church camps, semester break plannings, etc etc....... How am i supposed to settle all these together ?? I was in the same situation in October last year - Nightingale Nite ( which we only have a month's times to organize ), intensive practices for the International Choral Festival, end-of-semester exams, Sixth form dinner, church leadership camp, etc.... However, miraculously, i managed to settle everything quite well in time. I wonder how i did that ?? This year is totally different. School workload tripling, choir practices getting more and more challenging, frequent skipping of tuition classes.... This very instant, i have an intuition. I'm gonna flunk my exams, miserably.
In spite of constant struggles to catch up with my studies, i'm still happily enjoying life. It's the way it should be, right ? I've been skipping tuitions to attend choir practices (no wonder i failed my maths). I don't really felt bad about that, don't ask me, cos i dont know the answer myself. I'm putting more effort into the choir now. Since we managed through district level, we should put in all force foe state right ? Mr Phang, our 'beloved'headmaster has been extremely supportive (i personally dont know why). He gave the whole choir a treat on pizza (unbelievable !) after the victory in district level, and he's been giving us tonnes of privileges and superiority ! We are allowed to have full use of the new lecture hall (no doubt envied by other societies such as the brass band who've been eyeing on the room since its construction started), we are allowed to borrow books that are not allowed to be borrowed from the library (since we have to sit for exams and practise daily for the state competition), we are even given permission to practise during school hours ( such a thing never happens under Mr Phang's supervision ). He even told the discipline teachers not to reprimand us if they saw us loitering around and skipping classes. Finally, i started appreciate the efforts of the new headmaster, except the extention of shool dismissal to 1.40 pm. So, since there are much expectations, the pressure will be increased. I'm in such a dilemma. If we wins, we pleases everyone and efforts of teachers and seniors are not wasted. But, victory in state means direct advance to national level, which also means that i'm gonna fail my STPM, haha . For now, i'll just focus on the crucial matters, i'll leave the rest to God, for He knows my path ahead and He will guide me through trials and tribulations.
Due to frequent commercials of McD on the papers, my friends and were tempted to have lunch in the fastood outlet. There was change of plans in the end , we headed for Pizza Hut instead, odd isnt it ? It wasnt my problem for sure, i'll have to go wherever the driver takes me.
But the gist of it was that we were caught up vif some unfamiliar 'friend' of a friend of mine. Finally, we were forced to have lunch vif him. We were so uncomfortable with the extra guest and we just wobbled at our express combos quietly. Such a big contrast from usual, where we would scream and shout and giggle and crap all the way. Dat guy is a complete weirdo, i wonder why he'll follow us to lunch. we've only met him once and he even joined us for movie when we first met him ! The irony is that we didnt even invite him ! Jerk ! I could have ate better without a stranger acting as he's an auspicious guest, i wonder why she invited him ??